I acquired the information that Aotearoa’s most (internationally) well-known prime minister is moving to Sydney in a means that’s solely attainable in New Zealand. I was at the ultimate Splore pageant in Tāpapakanga at the weekend (certainly one of our longest-running and arguably most lovely festivals) when Clarke Gayford, Jacinda Ardern’s husband, popped up subsequent to me on the dancefloor dressed as a large toadstool. “Yeah, we’re moving to Sydney,” he stated to a man in funereal pirate garb. “Can’t wait!”
Maybe it was the enjoyment of a good tracklist at 2am, possibly it was getting this breaking information from the horse’s mouth, however I felt thrilled for our former first couple. Like Splore, NZ has the hungover malaise of a social gathering being cancelled and the lights going out.
I, too, have informally exited the nation (and don’t you dare inform the New Zealand tax division). The every day deep humiliation of our present NZ authorities proved an excessive amount of. Just this week our prime minister introduced that the federal government is giving cops new powers to move on rough sleepers or people displaying disorderly behaviour in town and city centres. Breaching an order dangers a advantageous of up to NZ$2,000 or three-month jail time period.
Instead of investing in infrastructure to help probably the most weak members of our group, authorities need to sweep the issue underneath the rug and punish them for it. It’s a humiliating coverage from a self-proclaimed “progressive nation”.
It’s no shock that so many Kiwis are leaving this behind for a nation with a lot bigger capability for embarrassment: Australia. I’m solely barely kidding – Anthony Albanese inviting Isaac Herzog for a jaunty state tour within the face of a genocide and labelling Grace Tame difficult can also be extraordinarily embarro.
Australia and New Zealand are shut in some ways however we’re nonetheless … totally different nations. Moving out of your homeland isn’t chill, even when Medicare entry is simple and work visas are assured. In the week earlier than my one-way flight to Melbourne final yr, I felt an unlimited pull to keep.
But the thrill and chance of a new life proved in the end overpowering. How intoxicating to dwell in a metropolis the place I didn’t want to personal a automobile as a result of the general public transport system is practical. One the place I may afford greens. I had been dwelling in Naarm for 3 full days when I had the smug satisfaction of understanding that I had achieved the precise factor in becoming a member of the 200-odd individuals fleeing Aotearoa each single day. The indicators were all there. Namely indicators with the value of flats, botox and cucumbers (the holy trinity).
Turns out, a lot of my associates have felt the identical. One of my dearest associates – one other artistic in his 30s – moved across the nook and, when I texted him to ask why he had made the soar throughout the ditch, he stated: “It felt hard to do something new with my life in NZ. Increasingly it felt like the place was being tailored to suit an older generation, rather than us. Like the only option for people our age was to be trapped in a Mazda SUV on the Northern Motorway with children in car seats in the back.”
I have marvelled that individuals my age in Australia have wholesome social lives and truly put money into their native communities. It’s stunning to see disposable earnings and its optimistic financial affect. New Zealand might need greener pastures however, financially, the land of Oz glows in Technicolor. Our minimal wage is roughly A$19 an hour and the typical lease in Auckland in 2025 was greater than $2,000 a month. Make it make sense!
I’m an actor/author/comic with no children. If I can’t make it work, I positive as hell don’t perceive how households are surviving (enjoyable truth, one in seven NZ youngsters reside in hardship)
I love New Zealand. It’s my residence. I will all the time come again! But life is for dwelling. Jacinda, Clarke and Neve deserve each little bit of happiness. Even whether it is throughout the Tasman.
I’m proper there with them, rejoicing in inexpensive cucumber slices and a wrinkle-free brow.
